My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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