she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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