i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
