at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
