I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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