I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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