please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i drank out of a bidet.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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