My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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