Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
