; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
