I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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