Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
