We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i think i have two assholes
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
