I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
