I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
