the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
