I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
