In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
