The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
