I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
