fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
