But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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