I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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