After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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