i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
