I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
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While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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