I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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