dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
