So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
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Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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