So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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