We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
