Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
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