So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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