My first STD was from a foam party
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
