Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
