I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
