There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
