textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
