If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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