Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
pop tarts are not kleenex
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I have already put on my inside pants.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
