So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
