I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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