i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
