If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
