Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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