Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
