VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
