I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
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