Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I need to stop coming to work sober
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
