my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
