I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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