cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
