Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
