so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
