I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I have already put on my inside pants.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
