So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i think my cat just said my name.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
