My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How does one acquire holy water?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
