i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
