Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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