Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
