Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
